As we hear holiday songs of joy and cheer, it’s a great time to talk about the Joy of Missing Out: JOMO. This winter break don’t waste your time looking at all the great photos of what your friends are doing. Fear of missing out, FOMO, leads to depression and feelings of insecurity. Find your own fun. Learn to appreciate the joy of missing out.
FOMO is everywhere
We’re able to see what our friends are up to at all hours of the day and night. People tend to post pics of what they do when they’re having fun. It’s great to see them enjoying whatever that is, but a part of us tends to be jealous.
When we see peers over and over again having a blast and getting lots of likes, it appears that they’re always having fun and they’re very popular. We forget that they have moments when they’re sitting alone bored and scrolling through social media wishing they were the one in the photo. They also have times that they feel all alone.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Believe me. Everyone has down moments. We just don’t post to say we’re doing nothing. Unless we want attention – and there’s a problem there too!
FOMO is a big problem
FOMO leads to more time online checking and rechecking to be sure you’re not missing the latest and greatest.
Excessive social media use can lead to less sleep – which in turn increases anxiety, depression, risk of accidental injury or death, and more.
The drive to know what’s going on at all times can lead to checking in at inappropriate times:
In class. How many have had phones taken away?
While driving. This puts not only your life in danger, but also the lives of others. Not to mention that it’s illegal in many states – including when you’re at a stop light.
While in the presence of others. It’s rude to check your phone when others are trying to talk to you! You can make your friend feel insignificant if it’s more important to play on your phone when you’re spending time with them.
When you should be sleeping. Being on a screen suppresses your melatonin so you don’t feel tired. If you have to get up in 8 hours, you should be sleeping.
When you should be studying or working. How often do you stay up late to finish homework? Think about how much time you wasted while doing your homework and checking in. And how many hours you spend procrastinating doing what you should be doing.
When you could be exercising. Obesity is a real risk of too much sitting around looking at your phone. Get out there and move!
Today’s teen culture is built around how people appear online. The number of followers and likes seem to indicate how good or popular you are.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. Generations of people were happy and satisfied, popular and self fulfilled without shouting to the world what they were doing.
Friends often have insomnia so reach out online. Don’t feel like you need to see their post immediately. It will be there tomorrow – you can see it when you have scheduled social media time.
What can you do to learn JOMO?
You might think it’s too hard to stay off line. How will you possibly keep up with the gossip and know what’s going on?
That’s the point… you don’t need to! Your real friends and family will talk to you about what’s important to them. You can share with them everything that’s important to you by talking with them and being with them.
FOMO is strong. Fear is a big driver of what we do and how we feel.
Find a passion
If you love a sport, art, music, or other activity, schedule regular time to do that activity.
Being with others who share the same passion will encourage you do do it even more and build strong connections with people.
Enjoy the moment
There’s a lot of research that show mindfulness helps to lower our anxiety and fight depression.
Keep track of how much time you spend online. Break that time into essential school and work related things and non-essential time.
Think about how much time you really should be spending online. Where can you cut back to give yourself more time to be with friends and family or to practice self-care tasks? Wouldn’t it be great to have more time for sleep?
For more on managing screen time, see Screen Time Limits. There are even some examples for apps that can help you track your time.
If you recognize that certain people trigger FOMO, unfollow them.
By unfollowing certain people you can still check on your friends and family who live out of town and stay in touch with them. But the people you don’t really care about won’t bother you. And you can look forward to catching up with friends who actually tell you what’s going on in their lives.
You won’t see all the people you don’t need to see, so you’ll not feel like you’re left out, but you can spend less time scrolling and more time doing other stuff.
Make connections IRL
Stop building your self image based on your online image.
If you feel compelled to check on your posts to see how many have liked it, you have a problem.
Be yourself. Don’t worry about how many likes you get. Think about what matters to you can get involved in that.
Enjoy friends when you spend time with them in real life. It’s okay to like their posts, but it’s even better to share time doing fun things together.
Let friends know you really care by asking them to do things. They’ll appreciate the effort because they’re probably suffering from FOMO too! Of course they could have conflicts, so don’t be offended if they can’t always be available.
Take a break
I’ve seen several people over the years share a “see you later” post on their social sites. They let friends know they’re going off line for a day, a weekend, or more.
While I don’t really think you need to publicize it, I do think taking a break and not checking any social sites for a specified time can help you find what you’re missing by being online all the time. It can take time away from our screens to appreciate all the other stuff life has to offer. This extra time forces us to think about what we can do with our time. Boredom can lead to finding ourselves and our passions.
Publicizing going off line has pros and cons. It can seem to be a way to draw attention to yourself, but it also can let people know that you’re not hurt or in trouble. Some friends might be offended if you don’t reply quickly to a post. This will let you know you’re not mad at them or ignoring them. If this is the only way you feel like you don’t need to check in, then let people know you’re checking out. That also might stimulate them to do the same!
Make yourself, not companies, happy
Social sites, such as Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter are businesses. They’re in it to make money.
The more you check your social sites, the happier those businesses are. They’re doing their job if they get you to spend time on their products. They make more money if you see their ads. The more time spent on their app, the better investment they are to their sponsors, which brings in more money to them. They use psychology to get users to use their platform more. They don’t care if it makes you less mentally and physically healthy.
Stop playing into their game. Resist the urge to hop online.
Make yourself happy by finding a passion off the screen and doing it. Don’t make your life about the right photo op. If you live life to its fullest, you’ll have the memories… which is infinitely better than the likes from people you don’t really care about!
I was excited to attend the 2018 International Conference on ADHD with a group of ADHDKC board members. I’ll try to recap some of the best information learned.
We were all able to make connections with people from all over the world who research and treat symptoms associated with ADHD and with those who are in various learning stages about their own ADHD. It was not uncommon throughout the conference to hear that people found their tribe…
Too much information
There were many simultaneous talks during the 4 day conference. I went to many great talks but missed others. I tried to tweet #ADHDcon2018 during the conference, but couldn’t pay attention and tweet at the same time, so missed a lot of points to share.
I was very fortunate to meet Marylin, a woman from France who is passionate about learning and sharing information about ADHD. She shared with me that ADHD is not commonly recognized in France and she is working to change that. Learn more about her organization at TDAH.
Marilyn recorded several of the sessions and uploaded them to her Facebook page. I’ll share these along with other information below.
Translation from Facebook:
If you thought ADHD was reserved for children…. If you thought that: in the same way as intellectual early, (fortunately less and less used) ADHD disappears over time…. If you thought ADHD was a bad education…. too permissive…. If you thought ADHD was a simple motor hyperactivity…. So…. it’s time to learn, to inform you to understand this neurobiological disorder that affects millions of people around the world: Children, adolescents, adults, men and women together. The symptoms differ, however, the disorder remains the same. ADHD is an invisible, ill-known, misunderstood handicap, particularly in France, where diagnosis and care have accumulated considerably harmful delays. 10, 15 (rather 20 years to be honest) compared to other countries of the world. ADHD is not happy with associated disorders (called morbid), dyslexia, dyscaculie, ect… anxiety disorder, disorder disorder with provocation. Non-diagnosed ADHD may also lead to adolescent-Risk Pipelines: Sexuality, driving, risk-taking, addictions, (drugs, tobacco, alcohol) unwanted pregnancies, and D after the latest research: a considerably reduced longevity. Are you ready to open your eyes and ears and change your states d spirits…
Dr. Russel Barkley
Dr. Russel Barkley is a world renowned expert on ADHD and was one of the keynote speakers. He spoke at the Midwest ADHD Conference sponsored by ADHDKC.org last spring, so you might recognize him and his message: untreated (and undertreated) ADHD has risks!
If you want to skip to Dr. Barkley, go to 8 min. To do this, hover over the bottom and click on the Facebook icon. It will bring you to the Facebook video, and you can scroll forward.
Unique Challenges Facing Mothers & Daughters with ADHD
Our own Jeremy Didier and her daughter were among a panel of mother/daughter pairs who talked about living with ADHD.
I was not in this session, but found a snippet on Twitter:
For those who don’t know her, she has made a name for herself making videos about ADHD. I’ve been a fan of her videos for several years, so seeing her live was awesome!
One of her first slides summarized the other three keynote speakers talks.
Marylin also caught this in full on Facebook live. Start at about 14 min in to skip all the conference acknowledgements if you’re not interested in those.
I was really excited to see that Coach Diane, from Odyssey Learning, was speaking at this conference. Since I won’t be able to make her local talk next month, it was fantastic to hear how she uses creative ways to help kids and teens learn executive function skills.
If you can make it to her local talk, please RSVP on SignUpGenius. Her ADHDKC talk will be geared for tweens and teens, but her slides are more for professionals working with people with ADHD.
She talked about how we’re wired to learn when we’re interested. Everyone, but especially those with ADHD, struggle to pay attention when they aren’t interested.
Fear, stress, boredom and anxiety of course make learning even harder, and these are common traits found in people with ADHD. When kids with ADHD are bored, they can suffer from agitation. This gets mislabeled as a behavior problem, but it’s a neurological problem!
Making new concepts and information interesting is one successful way to help people learn. She uses cooking, games, magic, and more to help kids learn.
Backwards planning is one strategy that helps kids complete tasks. Knowing where you want to end up, then coming up with all the steps that are required to get there, is backwards planning. She will use cooking to model backwards planning, then help kids learn to generalize the skill to real life examples.
We all have stressful things happen, but what can we do about it? Learning to de-stress is possible with these simple tips.
We all have stressful things happen, but what can we do about it? Learning to de-stress is possible.
You’ve heard that exercise is good for your health, but you may not realize how great it is for your mind too. Or maybe you do realize it, but you feel so overwhelmed that you don’t think you have time for it.
Make the time. This one’s important enough that it should remain a priority when you’re busy.
Plus exercise has been shown to help clear your mind so you can focus and be more efficient at everything else you do. It helps you sleep better at night, which in turn helps you focus better and feel less stressed.
2. Cut back to limit stress
If you’re overwhelmed, prioritize what is important.
If you have a ton of difficult classes, maybe consider limiting that next semester. Instead of taking all AP or IB classes, pick the one or two that you feel are best for you and then the regular level of class for the other subjects. Take a fun elective that won’t involve as much homework. That can help broaden your skills and still looks good on a college application if you grow from the experience. Remember that colleges want well rounded students, not those who only eat, sleep, and study.
If you have an after school job, volunteer regularly, and are in a sport, maybe that’s just too much to do after your school day. Think about what is important and limit the extras. That doesn’t mean you have to quit your job, but maybe ask to limit hours after school. If you volunteer, limit when you go. Depending on what type of volunteering you’re doing, see if you can arrange things to work with your course load. If you are doing a bunch of little volunteer experiences that aren’t really interesting to you, maybe find something you’re passionate about and spend time with that one thing.
Remember that if you take on too much, you can’t do everything well, so you will not be your best. Mental health is more important than doing it all. Cut back and focus on what’s really important to you getting where you want to be!
As you’re cutting back, be aware of what’s important.
You can’t simply stop doing coursework if you’re a student.
It’s not wise to cut back on the essentials of sleeping and exercise. These should always be entered into your planner so they get done.
You still need time to relax and be around your friends and family. Put that time in your schedule and make it happen.
I strongly feel that giving to others helps us on many levels, so doing volunteer service is great – but it should mean something to you. Don’t just do something because you feel like you need to do it. Find things you enjoy and help others using that passion.
It’s all about balance.
3. Eat healthy to decrease stress
We’ve all heard that we should eat healthy. It’s not new news at all that we should try to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, healthy proteins, and complex carbohydrates.
Yet many of us fail to eat well for a variety of reasons. I know all the excuses, but we all need to problem solve to find solutions, not just grab another unhealthy snack and keep repeating the same mistake.
If you make a few adjustments each day, you’ll start noticing a difference in how you feel. Start by choosing water over soda or juice. Try eating a fruit or vegetable with each meal and snack. Pass on the crackers, cookies, and other junk foods. Try a new healthy food if you’re picky.
If you aren’t hungry mid-day due to medicine, be sure to eat a healthy breakfast. This does not mean cereal. Healthy breakfasts that will last through the day include protein and fiber.
If money is an issue, talk to people who can help. Start with your school counselor.
I can’t stress enough how important sleep is.
We seem to underestimate the value and see it as time wasted.
Time management problems all day do not give you the excuse to stay up finishing homework.
You should never stay up to do something you wouldn’t get up early to do. For instance, you would probably not set your alarm to wake up and watch a YouTube video, right? That means you shouldn’t stay up “just a few minutes” later to watch it. Go to sleep. It will be there later.
Use all the night features your computer and phone offer.
Make sure your phone will never wake you if a friend tries to call or text in the middle of the night. Just because they’re suffering from insomnia doesn’t mean you need to be awake. Set the night mode. Tell your friends you won’t respond at night so they don’t keep trying. Blame it on your parents or your doctor. They won’t care. (And if your parents are following the standard recommendations, they will take your phone away an hour or two before bedtime…)
The blue light from your screen keeps the melatonin in your brain from rising. You need melatonin to feel tired. That means if you’re using any screen with normal lighting, you won’t feel tired and you’re likely to lay awake even if you go to bed.
5. Screen time limits
This seems to repeat what I just said, but there’s more. So much more that it’s covered in Screen Time Limits.
I covered this in detail, but want to remind you to check out some screen management apps that might help you take control of your phone and computer time.
Moment (currently iOs only, but Android version coming)
Forest is an interesting app that not only helps you stay on task, but you can earn points that helps to plant a real tree – helping our world
I’ll bet you underestimate how much time you spend online. Try the apps mentioned above. Use the knowlege gained about your use to adjust it to an amount that allows you to be productive and have time for the necessities of life.
It’s too risky to have full access to phones and all of their distractions 24/7. You’re fighting against an industry that invests in finding ways to get you hooked and wanting to spend more time on their content. We get dopamine hits each time we play online. Dopamine makes us feel good, so we want more.
6. Take 5
Take 5-10 minutes each day just for you. It’s not much time, and if you make the time, you’ll find that it pays back!
Set a dedicated time to reflect: What did you accomplish – celebrate the big and the little goals met. Are there things that can be high priority tomorrow. What are you thankful for?
You can go one step further and also make time throughout every day to be mindful. I’m still in the learning stages of this, and experts always talk about practicing mindfulness. We can all practice it daily. Find something that you do every day and link it to stopping to be purposefully mindful. Start a morning routine.
For more mindfulness tips and several free apps to help guide your mindfulness, see my Pinterest Mindfulness board. If you use mindfulness regularly, you will notice less stress.
Teens have long days. The most common medicines they use to manage ADHD symptoms last 8-12 hours. It isn’t surprising that stimulants don’t last long enough, but that doesn’t make it okay. What can you do to get everything done if you medicine doesn’t last long enough?
It goes without saying that we all need sleep to focus. People with ADHD often struggle with sleep, but they need sleep.
Try to get your hardest subject’s homework done in your spare time during school hours or right after school.
We often put off the hard stuff due to procrastination, but that comes back to haunt us later! Get it out of the way and check it off the list!
Set reminders to get back on track. If you get distracted easily, figure out what helps remind you to refocus.
Use post it notes where they will remind you when you need the reminder.
For example, if you frequently stare out of a window, put a sign there to remind yourself to get back to work.
Turn off notifications.
No one needs an alert to know that they have a new social media message or email.
Yes, notifications and alerts can help you remember to do what you need to do, but only if timed properly. If you set an alert at the time you need to take medicine, that’s great! But random notifications that pop up when you’re in the zone doing something is distracting.
Schedule time to check whatever will need to be checked, but don’t check them while doing other tasks.
Those notifications are simply too distracting. Turn them off!
Would you benefit from studying in a public place, where having people around will keep you from daydreaming?
No one wants to be seen drifting off…
Or maybe you can simply invite an accountability partner to work with you. Ask a friend to study with you. Be each other’s accountability partner. Keep each other on track. Don’t talk and distract one another.
If your friend isn’t good at this, then have a heart to heart or find another study partner.
Exercise has been proven time and again to help us focus. Plus it’s just good for our bodies.
If you need a brain break, even a few minutes of walking around can help reset your brain.
We all have a hard time focusing when our bodies are hungry.
Grab a healthy snack to get recharged.
Healthy is not a sugar snack. Sugar might pop us up temporarily, but then we’ll crash later.
Think of snacks as mini meals. Eat something with protein and either a fruit or vegetable.
Good snacks are apples with peanut butter, carrots or cucumber with hummus, grapes and cheese, strawberries and yogurt.
Change your medicine
If your medicine doesn’t last long enough and all of the above still doesn’t help you focus for the duration of your day, talk to your doctor.
Sometimes increasing the dose of your long acting stimulant can increase the time that it remains above your treatment threshold. This may or may not be tolerated, since a higher dose may increase the side effects.
Some people will add a short acting stimulant in the afternoon. For instance, if you take a long acting methylphenidate in the morning, you could add a short acting methylphenidate in the afternoon. If you take a long acting amphetamine in the morning, you could add a short acting amphetamine in the afternoon.
Other people benefit from adding a different type of medication, such as guanfacine or clonidine to their daily routine. These medicines can last longer and have a different side effect profile from the stimulants, so if the addition of a short acting stimulant isn’t tolerated or desired, it can be another option.
Another long acting medication is atomoxetine. It also works differently than the stimulants do, so is an option for some people.
We all waste time on our screens. Companies pay to find ways to encourage people to use their sites. They use psychology to make you want to spend more time online. People with ADHD are at risk due to their executive management issues with time management, impulsivity, and more. Screen addiction isn’t an accepted diagnosis yet in the US, but excessive screen use certainly is a problem for many people. Learning to set personal screen time limits is one way we can make a positive impact on our own lives.
How much time do you spend?
See where you spend your time.
Do you check messages and notifications before you even get out of bed? Does that help or hinder you getting started in your day?
My guess is you could use that time for a much better purpose.
Mindfulness is a great way to start your day. Just getting out of bed and getting ready for your day will keep your parent off your back – which in itself is a better start to the day!
If you spend 3 hours a day doing mindless stuff online checking social sites, playing games, and watching videos, that’s 3 hours a day you could be productive. Limit it to a reasonable amount of time and then stop.
Take back your time!
Tracking and limiting time on your phone
Find an app that can help you track your time online. Many will work across several social site platforms as well as general browsers.
Some will allow you to set a daily reminder for a custom interval that pops up an alert when you’ve spent your chosen limit in the app for that day. It won’t lock you out, but sometimes we all need a gentle reminder to get back to real life.
Go to your app store and search “time on phone tracker” or “phone addiction” or check out these popular apps:
Moment (currently iOs only, but Android version coming)
Forest is an interesting app that not only helps you stay on task, but you can earn points that helps to plant a real tree – helping our world
I know some of you will think this is too much like when parents set limits, but for many with ADHD, it is too risky to have full access to phones and all of their distractions.
Websites, gaming sites, advertisers, and more pay people to look into the psychology of what makes people want to play and participate.
We get a dopamine hit each time we play. We need to fight the urges that they’re trying to create.
In short, we need to stay in control of ourselves. You don’t want anyone or anything controlling your brain, right?
Bonus: If you show your parents that you are responsible in this (and all things) they tend to give you more freedom. It’s all part of growing up and showing maturity!
Schedule time to check your messages.
It’s important to know what’s going on, but you don’t need to check every few minutes. People can wait.
Trust me, it was much better years ago when people didn’t have instant access to everyone and everything. People had less stress. Return to that mindset. There’s a time and a place for everything. Focus on what you’re doing at the moment, whether that’s talking with a real live person, paying attention to your teacher, working or studying. Especially if you’re driving. Messages can wait!
Ask your friends and parents to join you in this. You can set times to check in, then do other things at other times. If they know you limit your time checking messages, they won’t get as anxious when you don’t reply in 2.4 seconds… It’s that need for instant gratification and response that is a huge driver of anxiety in some people. Let it go…
Turn off notifications
If you get into the zone writing a paper and a notification box pops up, you’ve lost the zone.
You waste time responding to the message and your focus is gone.
You’ll have to get back into the paper writing mindset, which wastes your time and energy.
Use the online time management apps listed above to help with this.
People with ADHD tend to have something unofficially called rejection sensitivity or rejection sensitive dysphoria*. Watch out for this!
What is rejection sensitivity?
It’s the tendency to perceive a situation negatively, when in reality it is not meant to be negative at all. It can lead to significant anxiety or low self esteem.
An example of this may be that you attempt to text a friend multiple times. There may be many reasons they don’t reply, but you automatically assume they’re mad at you or don’t value your friendship. Even after hearing that their phone died or they didn’t have it with them, you still may feel that their delayed response was somehow due to them not wanting to answer your text.
When you have ADHD, your nervous system overreacts to things from the outside world. Any sense of rejection can set off your stress response. This leads to an emotional reaction that is out of proportion to the situation. Sometimes whatever really occured was not a negative thing at all, but your reaction to it is negative.
Why does this happen?
It’s estimated that the typical 12 year old with ADHD has received 20,000 more negative messages than other kids their age.
They are constantly reminded that they’re not on task.
Chores are often forgotten.
Homework is lost.
They may interrupt others and speak without a filter.
Sitting quietly without constant movement is expected in certain situations, but very difficult for many kids with ADHD.
Each of these situations is due to all of the executive functioning shortcomings, not intentionally bad behavior. But the scoldings and reminders make kids feel like they were bad. All that criticism can take a real toll on their self-esteem.
Over time people who are chronically made to feel like they didn’t meet expectations grow more sensitive to all situations. They might attempt to be perfect in what they do to cover up real or perceived shortcomings. Since it’s impossible to always be perfect, they fail, which serves to further lower their self esteem.
What does low self esteem look like?
When people experience repeated failures to do things as expected, they may lose the drive to try. They often give up. This can look like laziness, which can lead to more shame.
Only when people who are affected in this way are guaranteed success will they even try. There aren’t many situations in life that we’re guaranteed anything, so this can be a big problem.
Many people are afraid to ask for help when needed, so they simply don’t do perceived difficult tasks. Some children fail to do homework because they’re ashamed to ask for help when they don’t understand it. Parents may mistake this for willfully not doing homework or being lazy, which isn’t the case. Often kids wish to do the work, but they’re overwhelmed and too embarassed to get help.
Some people try to overcompensate and show more confidence than they have. They might state that they are really good at something when they don’t really believe it. The overconfidence can backfire when it hurts someone else’s feelings or when they fail to live up to the set expectation. People can simply view their statements as bragging. No one wants to be around someone who thinks they’re better than others. The irony is that in this situation, the person really doesn’t think that. They have a low self esteem and are overcompensating or simply trying to hide their fears about themselves.
How does this affect relationships?
It’s not surprising that rejection sensitivity leads to a lot of problems within relationships.
Many people with very low self esteem attempt to blame others for all of their problems.
They are unable to accept responsibility for their shortcomings. This prevents them from learning from their mistakes.
It of course also affects how the other person feels – which isn’t good.
No one wants to stay around someone who makes them feel bad, so it can strain relationships.
Drive people away
With the texting example above, if you accuse your friend of not valuing your friendship, they will be annoyed. Maybe not at first. With the first occurance, they might simply blow it off and say you’re being silly. But if you consistently treat them like they need to be at your beck and call because you get angry or jealous when they’re not, they’re likely to get tired of it. They’d have every reason to ask for space and intentionally stop making plans to do things with you.
Dating relationships can be even more affected, since it’s a one on one situation. Many people with rejection senstivity easily get jealous. If their boyfriend/girlfriend talks to someone, they might misinterpret the situation and jump to the conclusion that they’re cheating with – or at least have a crush on – the other person. Relationships should be based on trust, but when there’s jealousy, all trust is lost.
When a person gets jealous easily, they often become very controlling. This can lead to emotional abuse of the partner. It brings forth negative emotions in both people in the relationship. It isn’t healthy to stay in relationships like this. Even if you really care for one another, it is important that everyone in a relationship is safe and respected.
It is not uncommon for people with ADHD to have more failed relationships (including marriages) than people without ADHD. This is not exclusively due to rejection sensitivity, but rejection sensitivity certainly plays a part. Recognizing this trait and working to improve self esteem and decrease the rejection sensitivity can help with maintaining strong relationships.
What can be done to treat rejection sensitivity?
The first step in treating this is recognizing what is going on when your extreme negative emotions are driving your thoughts and actions. If people tell you you’re being too sensitive, reflect on it with an open mind. Don’t just get angry, blame others, or avoid the issue.
Treat your ADHD
Treating the underlying ADHD can help some of the issues with rejection sensitivity, but not all of the symptoms.
Impulsive behaviors can exacerbate the emotional response to a perceived negative situation. Controlling the impulsivity appropriately can help with the response directly, as well as to help preserve your self esteem by allowing you to think before acting and speaking.
Improving your focus can help you be successful in completing tasks without rushing through them. Again, this helps to preserve your self esteem because you achieve success.
If you don’t think your ADHD symptoms are properly managed, talk to your parents and your doctor.
Talk to others
It’s important to not hide or cover up your negative thoughts and concerns. Doctors, therapists, and loved ones can help if they can be told what is going on in a way that helps them understand. Too many people are afraid to talk about why they stop trying, are negative or jealous, and about their overall low self esteem. Many might not even realize what is going on and why they feel like they do, but if the above list of symptoms reminds you of yourself, talk to someone you trust about it.
If the person you tell is not familiar with rejection sensitivity, they might not understand what you’re trying to tell them. Please don’t let that knock down your self esteem even more because they don’t understand. Show them this post and and other information about rejection sensitivity. Help them learn rather than accepting their ignorance and going further down in your own self esteem. Talk to your doctor, a school counselor, or a therapist. If they don’t know about the condition, show them the resources you have too.
Accept yourself for who you are
Learning to accept yourself for who you are – faults and all- can be difficult for anyone, but it’s possible.
Fighting sleep initially will make it harder to go to sleep when you finally go to bed.
If you miss the tired phase, you will hit a second wind and be up for much longer in a wired phase. You won’t necessarily feel tired past bedtime, but you body will suffer the effects of sleep deprivation if you miss out on needed sleep.
Attempt to follow a regular sleep schedule.
Going to bed and getting up at about the same time every day really helps you get better sleep overall.
While sleeping in on weekends can help repair a sleep deficit, it can make it harder to get to sleep Sunday night and getting sufficient sleep every night is better than just getting more sleep a few days/week.
Try to sleep in no more than 2 hours past your school day wake up time. Sleeping in too late makes it hard to get to bed on time that night.
Follow the same routine each night at bedtime.
Brush teeth, read a book, color, take a bath or shower — do whatever helps you wind down and relax.
Repeating this every night can help your brain get ready for bed. The routine itself helps. Your body anticipates sleep is coming.
Nap to help make up missed sleep.
A short 15-20 minute nap after school can help revitalize the brain to get homework done. Just don’t sleep too long or it can interfere with bedtime.
Turn off the screens an hour before bedtime.
All lighted screens keep your melatonin levels too low. A gland in our head makes melatonin in response to darkness. The melatonin helps us feel tired.
This means that television, computer games, computer/tablet use for homework, and smartphones for socializing all keep you awake. Turn them off at least an hour before bedtime. Don’t even check your social media accounts during that last hour of your day.
Try to get all your homework that requires a computer or tablet use completed earlier in the evening. Save the homework that only involves paper books and assignments for last if needed.
If you must be on a screen close to bedtime, use night mode screen lighting and apps that take the blue lights off of the screen. I personally use the f.lux app – it’s free and easy to set up. It works well!
What about melatonin supplements?
Melatonin is available as a supplement in many forms. It is commonly used in children to help with sleep. Since up to 70% of kids with ADHD have problems falling asleep, it is especially common to be used in this group.
It’s generally considered safe, but there are some cautions. It isn’t regulated by the FDA, so what the label says and what you get might be different. Studies in children are also lacking, so specific interactions, dosing, and best uses are not known.
In my experience, there are few side effects from melatonin. Some kids still don’t sleep well with it and others are still tired the following day. It can also interact with other medications, so if you take it, be sure to talk to your doctor about it.
The time it takes half of the caffeine to be removed from your body is 5-6 hours.
Ideally teens would sleep and never drink caffeine, but I know that isn’t reality. Any caffeine in the later afternoon can make it harder to fall to sleep.
Don’t forget “hidden” sources of caffeine, such as chocolate, energy bars, and workout supplements.
One interesting concept that has scientific backing (but goes against the “no caffeine after 3 pm” rule) is the coffee nap.
Basically, you drink coffee (or another caffeinated drink – but be careful of those loaded with sugar).
You then quickly nap for 15-20 minutes. Sodas and teas don’t work as well as plain coffee due to too much sugar and too little caffeine.
The coffee nap has been shown to be more effective than either a nap or caffeine alone. The basic premise is that your brain gets a nap before the caffeine kicks in, then you wake as the caffeine is taking effect to help you wake up.
Cautions for the coffee nap
Use the coffee nap only at times you really need it.
Don’t do this too late in the day or the caffeine will inhibit your regular night’s sleep.
Caffeine + stimulant medicines don’t mix
Be very careful using caffeine if you take a stimulant medication, such as methylphenidate or amphetamine.
When you add caffeine to this, it can cause an elevation in your heart rate and increase anxiety.
If you take a stimulant medicine most days but don’t take it other days, it would be acceptable to use caffeine for short term benefits when off your medicine. Caffeine is not a good substitute for medications long term though. The medications have a more consistent dose effect.
Talk to your doctor if you do drink caffeine so they can help you adjust your medicine if needed.
Skip the snooze button.
Set your alarm for the last possible moment you can, which allows your body to get those extra minutes of sleep.
If you need to get out of bed by 6:45, but set your alarm for 6:15 and hit snooze several times, you aren’t sleeping those 30 minutes. Set your alarm for 6:45!
Skip the late night studying.
Studying too late is ineffective.
When the brain’s tired it won’t learn as well and you will make mistakes more readily. It takes a lot longer to get anything done when you’re tired.
Go to bed and get up a little earlier to get the work finished if needed.
Of course you should also look at your time management if this happens too often. Are you involved in too many activities? Do you work or volunteer too many hours? Did you waste too much time on tv, games, or socializing? Do you put off big projects until the last minute?
Homework needs to take priority when you’re more alert in the afternoon and evening. If you have problems with this, talk to parents and teachers about what you can do.
Charge your phone in another room.
Friends who decide to text in the middle of the night keep you from sleeping. Even phones on silent have blinking lights that can spark your curiosity.
It’s too tempting to look at your social media apps one more time if you have your phone with you as you go to bed. Your brain gets a dopamine hit every time you play a game or interact on social media. This reinforces more and more phone use, which means one last check can turn into an hour or more of playing on the phone.
Don’t use the excuse that you need your phone as an alarm. Alarm clocks are cheap. Get one and put your phone elsewhere!
If you lay awake for hours or wake frequently, try these techniques to help fall asleep:
listen to Weightless – music that’s been shown to help initiate sleep
If these fail, talk to your parents and doctor to help find a solution.
Use your bed for sleep only.
Don’t do homework in bed.
Stop watching YouTube and Netflix in bed.
Train your brain that your bed is where you sleep.
Exercise helps our bodies sleep better, but it should ideally be earlier in the day.
Exercising too close to bedtime can wire us up, so if you can exercise earlier, that’s a better choice. I know some sports and dance require late practice and class, but if you can schedule exercise earlier, do it.
Get natural sunlight in the morning.
Natural sunlight helps to set your circadian rhythm. It’s a tried and true method to reset your internal clock when traveling out of your time zone and also helps when you need to adjust your sleep schedule at home.
Keep the bedroom cool and dark.
It’s harder to sleep if the room is too warm or too bright. A fan can be used to circulate air. (The fan also can double as background noise, which is often helpful.)
Use blackout shades if needed.
Keep pets out of the bedroom.
Your animals might love you and you love them, but if they keep you up, it’s just not worth having them around at night. They’ll still love you in the morning if you keep them away from your room.
Everyone should know that if they are using nicotine or alcohol, their quality of sleep will be affected.
Nicotine is a stimulant (like caffeine), which leads to more time sleeping lightly and less time in deep sleep. And yes, vaping and chewing lead to this problem too since it’s the nicotine that causes the problem. Don’t start these habits!
Alcohol reduces the time it takes to fall asleep but it increases sleep disturbances in the second half of the night, often leading to early wakening. Alcohol relaxes muscles, which can lead to sleep apnea (often noted as snoring). Sleep apnea does not allow the body to have restful sleep. Alcohol is also a diuretic, which might increase the need to wake to go to the bathroom during the night.
Get help if needed
If you are addicted to any substance, talk to your doctor for help stopping.
Your doctor must maintain confidentiality under most circumstances, so you can trust that they will help you and not cause more problems. The exception to confidentiality is if they think you are in immediate harm from a substance.
Problems from sleep deprivation are seen everywhere. I hear parents say they need more and that their kids need more. Even teens often admit that they don’t get enough. But why is it such a big deal? What problems are really caused by sleep deprivation? There are many! When we’re sleep deprived, it can lead to many problems that are often not attributed to poor sleep. This can include irritability, poor academic performance, accidents, obesity and more.
You’ll have to learn what your real sleep needs are. Too many people think they’re “used to” less than recommended amounts of sleep, so they’re okay. Once you know your needs, learn the problems with sleep deprivation so you can recognize symptoms in yourself.
Sleep experts recommend nine to ten hours for growing tweens and teens, with a minimum of eight and a half hours until the mid-twenties as our brains continue to mature.
Remember that when we’re sick or in a growth spurt, we need more than usual. Listen to your body!
Find your specific need.
You can estimate how much you need by experimenting over a school vacation time. Go to bed when you’re tired at night and wake on your own. Talk to your parents to let them know what you’re doing so they don’t try to wake you too soon.
Initially you will probably need a lot to catch up on sleep debt, but after a few nights of adequate sleep, see how much your body needs regularly. Don’t lay around all day watching tv or playing on your phone. Get moving! If you have too much down time, it can make your body feel tired, even when you’re not.
Count the hours you sleep naturally once your sleep debt is paid. When it’s time for school or other activities, adjust your bedtime to allow for that much sleep. If that’s impossible you’ll have to work with parents, coaches, and teachers to find solutions.
When you fall asleep within 20 minutes of going to bed and wake up without an alarm, you’re probably getting the right amount of sleep. If you fall asleep immediately upon hitting the pillow and always need an alarm to wake up, you’re probably sleep deprived.
Problems of sleep deprivation
Sleep deprivation can lead to increased levels of cortisol (a stress hormone), decreased activity of human growth hormone (which is active during tissue repair), and decreased glycogen synthesis (energy). Hormones that regulate appetite are affected by sleep duration. Sleep also influences the release of insulin, which is important in our sugar metabolism
These hormone changes are all implicated in the sleep problems we recognize, and we’re still learning more effects.
We all associate the teen years with angst, so we can easily attribute a teen’s moodiness to just being a teen. But being chronically tired can lead to emotional dysregulation. This will look like irritability, frustration and anger.
Chronic sleep deprivation is associated with developing depression. Depression affects our ability to sleep well and poor sleep can increase the risk of depression, so it can have a snowball effect.
Growth hormone is released as we sleep. Chronic sleep deprivation can affect your overall height if you don’t get enough sleep during your rapid growth tween and teen years.
Growth hormone isn’t just needed for growing. It also stimulates muscle growth, muscle repair, bone building and fat burning. Sleep loss may affect healing time and weight due to less growth hormone.
Obesity has been associated with sleep deprivation. Specific appetite hormones are altered by sleep. Our appetite can be increased when we fail to get enough sleep.
Sleep deprivation can lead to eating more calories than needed because of increased appetite. This increases the risk of obesity and all the health consequences of being overweight.
Sugar metabolism is directly affected by sleep. People who don’t get enough sleep are at increased risk of Type 2 diabetes from this direct effect as well as from carrying excess weight.
Getting proper amounts of sleep can help with focus and learning. When we fail to get enough sleep, problems with attention, memory, decision making, reaction time, and creativity start to show. As if ADHD wasn’t enough to cause these things – sleep deprivation compounds the issue!
Grades can easily fall, which leads to anxiety and depression, which in turn leads to more moodiness and trouble sleeping.
Sleep deprivation mimics ADHD. If you think the medicine to help your ADHD that’s worked for years suddenly isn’t working, think about your sleep needs and amounts. Increasing the medicine isn’t the answer!
Teens with chronic sleep deprivation are more likely to be accidentally injured due to poor focus and slowed reaction time. Sleep deprivation also slows healing after injury.
Drowsy driving is comparable to drunk driving. Tired teens are at high risk for falling asleep at the wheel. Drowsy driving is the most likely to occur in the middle of the night (2-4 am), but also in mid-afternoon (3- 4pm) as teens drive home from school.
Athletes are more likely to be injured while playing their sport, so it is in the best interest of the team to get enough sleep. And yes, I know with the busy practice schedule and homework it’s hard. But athletes need sleep.
It’s not just injuries that increase among sleep deprived athletes. Performance also falls when we fail to get sleep.
Less sleep increases fatigue, lowers energy, and leads to poor focus. It may also slow recovery as mentioned above.
Eve Van Cauter, Ph.D., from the University of Chicago Medical School, studied the effects of three different durations of sleep in eleven 18-27 year old men. For the first 3 nights of the study, the men slept 8 hours per night. Over the next 6 nights, they slept 4 hours per night. For the last 7 nights, they slept 12 hours per night.
After 4 hours of sleep per night, participants metabolized glucose least efficiently. Levels of cortisol were also higher during sleep deprivation periods. This can lead to memory impairment, insulin resistance, and impaired recovery.
After only 1 week of sleep restriction the previously young, healthy males had glucose levels that were no longer normal. They showed a reduced ability to manage glucose, similar to the way elderly people metabolize it.
Study of female university athletes
Cheri Mah of the Stanford Sleep Disorders Clinic and Research Laboratory has studied college level athletes for many years. Her research shows that getting more sleep leads to better sports performance for all types of athletes.
One study of the Stanford University women’s tennis team focused on increasing sleep to 10 hours per night. Those who increased their sleep time ran faster sprints and hit more accurate tennis shots than while getting their usual amount of sleep.
Too little sleep increases the risk of getting sick. Your immune system needs sleep to perform at its best.
Teens with chronic sleep deprivation have been shown to participate in more risk taking behaviors. These behaviors, such as driving without a seatbelt, drinking alcohol, skipping the bike helmet and tobacco use, add to the problems of sleep deprivation.
Now that you understand the many problems with sleep deprivation, come back next week to learn how to get more sleep.